


i fall to pieces (when i'm with you)

by orphan_account



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Crying Keith (Voltron), Day 1: Unrequited // Astral Plane, Galaxy Garrison, Jealousy, M/M, Pining Keith (Voltron), Pre-Kerberos Mission, S7 Spoilers, Sheith Angst Week 2018, Unrequited Love, keith keeps a journal about shiro, shiro/adam only appear together in one scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-07-02 21:50:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15805254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “Shiro and Adam, Adam and Shiro…” the first girl singsongs and Keith is tempted to plug his ears so he doesn’t have to listen her anymore. “I can't even think of them separately anymore. How long have they been dating anyway?”“For a long time, that’s for sure.” the other girl replies. “I wouldn’t be surprised if they get married one day.”Keith listens without making a sound. He swallows the lump in his throat alongside his soup.Shiro is his own person, a part of him wants to scream at the girls.You know Shiro belongs to him,another part of him whispers.Dear Shiro,Every single star in the universe is watching you leave as you carry my heart beside you. I love you. I'll wait for you.[Sheith Angst Week / Day 1:Unrequited// Astral Plane]





	i fall to pieces (when i'm with you)

_The one that blooms in the deep chasms,_

_Lonely flower with poisonous thorns._

_Would it be a crime to smell you for once and die afterwards?_

**–The Lonely Flower**

* * *

Years later, after everything they've been through, after Keith starts believing in fate a little bit, he decides the day his and Shiro’s paths crossed was the most fateful one of his life.

So many times after he gets to know him, Keith thinks about how looking at Shiro’s face feels like coming face to face with God himself, but he doesn’t notice that God the first time he steps into Keith’s classroom. He does hears the whispers of worship, however. _Takashi. Shiro. Takashi Shirogane._

Keith doesn’t pay attention to Shiro at first sight. Not until he looks at Keith with the kindest gray eyes he’s ever seen and asks him if Keith’s got what it takes to succeed in the simulator.

There’s a nervous energy floating under his skin, even more since he knows Shirogane is watching him, but he stubbornly wraps his hands around the consoles and focuses. The nervousness begins fading as he manages avoiding objects, his shoulders relaxing even if James Griffin's disbelief irritates him.

He’s also aware his teacher is talking to Shirogane about the list she’s made of the best candidates for Garrison and his throat feels dry as he listens them.

“Is this guy on there?” Shirogane asks, and the polite fondness in his voice takes Keith aback strongly. A surprised warmth settles in his body. “Looks like he’s just about ready to fly the real thing.”

His teacher, obviously, doesn’t feel the same way. “Keith? He’s a bit of a discipline case.”

All the warmth leaves his body as quickly as it came, and gets replaced by a harsh coldness.

“I don’t think he’d necessarily fit in with the rigid Garrison culture,” she continues. Keith’s ears start ringing like they do so often, teeth clenching. “This is James Griffin,” she says proudly, pulling the guy beside him. “He has the highest grades in school.”

And before Keith even knows what he’s doing, he fails the simulation as a red fog blocks his vision, and steals Takashi Shirogane’s car.

To this day, Keith still doesn’t completely understand what made Shiro decide to help him anyway, instead of doing the expected thing and toss him aside. He later learns Shiro so rarely does the things in the expected way, choosing to trust his own judgement instead, no matter what anyone says.

“You’re getting a second chance.” Shiro says with a smile before he drives off with his fancy car.

Keith didn’t know he was allowed to have one.

* * *

_Keep your head down._

That’s what he keeps repeat to himself after he finds out Garrison accepted him. Only days before he sets to leave for school, he sits in front of the dirty window at his foster home, looks at his reflection on the barely visible clean surface, and repeats again.

_Keep your head down. Keep your lips sealed. Don’t let anyone provoke you._

He closes his eyes.

 _I wanna help you Keith,_ Shiro’s voice echoes inside his mind. _I think you’ve got a lot of potential. But what you decide to do with that potential is up to you._

Keith exhales a deep breath, opening his eyes to meet his reflection again.

_Don’t make Shiro regret about helping you._

* * *

He visits his dad’s grave the day before he leaves for Garrison.

“Hey pop,” he whispers, slowly caressing his headstone with his fingertips. The autumn breeze begins settling day by day. He hopes his dad isn’t cold. “So, I got accepted into Garrison. I’m leaving tomorrow.”

He pauses briefly with a childish expectation, as if his dad can send him a signal, but the leaves continue rustling in the wind. Keith lets out a little choked up laugh.

“I know, I know it’s silly to tell this to a headstone but…” He exhales a deep breath, turning his eyes to the sky. “Wherever you are, I hope you are peaceful. I hope you are happy. And I hope you are proud of me. I know I struggle a lot, but I’m trying my best to make you proud, pop.”

Keith turns his gaze back to the headstone and doesn’t do anything to stop his tears.

“I miss you.” he admits with a quiet sob. “I miss you every single day.

* * *

Inevitably, he ends up disappointing Shiro from the very beginning.

Arrogance, probably, isn’t something Keith should be proud of, nor a thing that should reflect in his actions. But James Griffin, _always_ Griffin, has a way of getting under Keith’s skin like no one else does. Hearing him say the only reason Keith’s here is because of Shiro fills him with a quiet rage (even though he sometimes thinks the same thing at nights on his weakest moments), but taunting Keith about his parents makes him curl his hand into a fist instantly and punch Griffin with all he’s got.

 _This is it,_ he thinks miserably as he waits outside of the office. He’s aware Griffin is shooting daggers at him but he’s too upset to answer back anymore. _Shiro won’t forgive me._ A moment later Shiro exists from the office and approaches Keith, but before he can say anything other than a simple _“Hey.”_ , Keith unloads the burden in his chest.

“Look, I know I messed up. You should just send me back to the home already,” he says, each word leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. “This place isn’t for me.”

_Just like everyone said._

Shiro is silent for a brief moment, but when he talks again, his voice carries the same kind plea Keith’s heard from him a couple of times before. “Keith, you can do this. I will never give up on you. But more importantly, you can never give up on yourself.”

Keith’s mouth opens with surprise as he looks at him. No one has cared about him like this before, no one, and Shiro doesn’t have a reason to care either.

“You don’t even know me.” he tells him quietly.

“You’re right, I don’t.” Shiro accepts with a gentle face. “But sometimes we all need a hand.”

He extends his hand towards Keith’s puzzled face with a smile on face and Keith, for the first time since his dad’s death, dares to believe that there’s a person who genuinely cares about him and accepts Shiro’s hand with a smile of his.

* * *

Things start getting better over the years.

He’s still stubborn and distant, and he still has a bit of anger issues, but he’s learning. He doesn’t immediately lash out at people who makes him angry anymore. Instead, he tries to explain himself as calmly as possible if the situation calls. And if someone is _really_ trying to provoke him, he just grits his teeth, turns away and leaves, instead of punching them. He doesn’t have many friends since some generally avoids him for…obvious reasons and some genuinely doesn’t like him for being much better than them (and Keith doesn’t even say it in the arrogant way he said first time he got into Garrison, he _knows_ he is better and they all know it too) but Keith’s not complaining. He’s got a few fellow cadets he talks from time to time and he’s got a quiet roommate who at least he is friendly with.

And the most important of all, he’s got Shiro. That alone is more than enough to endure everything else.

Or, at least, it _was_ enough.

Keith knew Shiro had a long-term boyfriend from the very beginning. Adam is also a known figure at Garrison so it was hard to not know about their relationship. Keith’s always found Adam polite and friendly, much like Shiro, but they aren’t exactly on speaking terms. He got invited to the little apartment he and Shiro share a couple of times and talked to him but other than that, they haven’t exactly interacted much.

Still, Keith’s quite aware that Adam is romantically involved with Shiro.

Which is why he feels a strong terror immediately after the first time his heart speeds up because of Shiro’s laugh and he thinks about tracing his smile with his thumb. He shamefully turns his eyes to the ground, a fire blooming on his cheeks as Shiro continues explaining something to him, but Keith literally can’t hear him through the buzzing at his ears. He quickly makes a list on his head about why he can **never** think stupid stuff like this again: There’s already too many people at Garrison who makes Shiro uncomfortable by their obvious admiration to his appearance and Keith would prefer to _die_ before he made Shiro uncomfortable. Shiro has helped him so much, _still_ helping actually, and the last thing Keith needs to do is ruining their friendship by having a dumb teenage crush on him.

And, even though they rarely show PDA, Shiro’s happily in a relationship. Keith sees it. Keith knows it. Keith isn’t allowed to have romantic feelings for Shiro.

He stubbornly repeats all of this to himself whenever his traitorous consciousness slips towards Shiro, which only seems to happen more despite his best efforts. It’s almost like a part of his brain is always thinking about Shiro, and whenever he tells it to stop, it just starts doing it even more. Still, Keith tries. He solemnly forces his gaze to another way whenever he even _feels like_ he’s going to look at Shiro’s lips if he doesn’t. He forces himself to stay calm and not arch into his touch like an affection-starved cat when Shiro sometimes gently grasps his shoulder. At nights, he squeezes his eyes tighter shut until Shiro’s beautiful face disappears under his eyelids and gets replaced by darkness.

It’s not much, but at least he’s trying.

Then, one night, it all comes undone.

He’s walking in the garden at late hours, suffering from a stomach ache after the dinner. It’s a surprisingly warm winter night, and the fresh air is helping, so he put on a coat and left his room to have a little walk. Keith grimaces as he rubs his belly. As far as he knows, no one else is suffering from it, so the problem probably isn’t the dinner itself but his body’s reaction to it.

Keith suddenly stills when he hears a familiar little laugh and looks that way. He’s ninety percent sure it’s Shiro’s laugh, so of course his heart starts beating faster almost immediately. Keith tries to tidy up his appearance but he knows it’s a wasted effort since he’s literally wearing old PJs under his coat. He slowly approaches the source of the voice with a smile on his face, but his smile freezes on his face when he sees the sight in front of him, and he quickly hides behind a tree.

Shiro and Adam are sitting on a bench under the faint moonlight.

Oh.

They are wrapped under a soft looking blanket, cuddled up close. They’re listening music from a phone and Shiro has one of the headphones while Adam has the other. Adam is resting his sandy colored head on Shiro’s shoulder, his face hidden in Shiro’s collarbone. Shiro is holding his glasses in a gentle grip as his other hand he wrapped around Adam’s waist slowly caresses him.

_Oh._

Adam’s content little sigh is too loud for the deadly silent night. It sinks into Keith’s belly like a rusty knife.

Shiro’s smile grows a little as he carefully drops Adam’s glasses aside, lifting his now unoccupied hand to gently stroke Adam’s cheek.

“Sleepy?” he murmurs sweetly and it feels like the temperature suddenly dropped significantly because Keith feels _so_ cold. So cold that he is shaking from head to toe.

Adam lifts his head from Shiro’s collarbone and tips it back, the inviting look in his eyes leaving no room to wonder what he wants. Shiro sighs happily, leaning forward to kiss him and suddenly, Keith is hit with the strongest nausea he’s ever felt in his life and he—

He turns around and runs like crazy back to his room.

He doesn’t give his roommate a chance to talk and locks himself to bathroom, immediately kneeling in front of the toilet to throw his guts out. He can’t remember the last time he felt this miserable. The nausea continues swimming under his skin even after he stops throwing up, making him teary as he shivers. Keith literally crawls toward the sink and angrily washes his face, trying to destroy the traces of his tears.

 _What were you expecting?,_ a poisonous part of his mind whispers. _What were you hoping for? Didn’t you know this already?_

“Shut. Up.” Keith grits between his shaking teeth, reaching for his toothbrush.

Keith used to have the habit of drinking straight from the cardboard when he was a child. One day, he chugged the milk cardboard again, only to find out it has gone bad. He’s spent almost half an hour to remove that awful taste from his mouth, brushing his teeth again and again and again, feeling like the taste isn’t disappearing no matter how hard he tries.

He now feels the same under the bathroom light. He tiredly puts his toothbrush back.

When he finally exists from bathroom, he sees Kinkade, who speaks maximum ten words to him on a best day, is waiting for him with something akin to worry on his face.

“You OK?” he asks calmly.

“Yeah, I—“ Keith stops to clear his throat, feeling surprised when he notices how raspy it is. “The dinner, I think it upset my stomach.”

Kinkade nods and walks over to his study desk to pull a medicine from his drawer. He fills a glass with water and extends them to Keith. “Take this. You’ll be fine in thirty minutes at most.”

Keith looks at him for a brief moment but he quickly accepts the pill to swallow it. “Thanks. Thanks a lot.”

Kinkade nods again. “No problem. Try to have some rest. And wake me up if you need anything.”

“Thanks,” Keith repeats, laying down on his bed to wrap himself to his comforter. “Sorry about the bathroom, I’ll clean the toilet in the morning.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Kinkade says firmly.

Whatever Kinkade gave him, it must be really effective because Keith’s nausea passes almost fifteen minutes later. Yet, he continues feeling awful, his whole body aches in a way he hasn’t experienced before. He almost feels feverish with the need to say something, tell someone, but this definitely isn’t something he can wake Kinkade for, so he buries himself deeper to his bed.

He gives up after tossing and turning for hours, carefully reaching for his bedside drawer and pulling an unused notebook and a pen, moving quietly to not wake up his roommate.

He rests against his pillow and opens the first blank page.

* * *

_Dear Shiro,_

_Remember how I told you my father was a fireman? He used to have this saying he used both as a metaphor and a truth:_

_You can’t extinguish a fire by ignoring the flames._

_I think my own flames have started burning me already._

* * *

No matter how many times he’s told himself that Shiro is together with someone else and Keith has no chance with him, it seems like in the depths of his consciousness, apparently, a part of him was strongly denying it. Since he never saw Adam and Shiro acting like lovers until that night, it was easy for that part of him to pretend like there was a chance for him and Shiro. That’s the only explanation Keith can come up with about why he felt that shaken after seeing them on that bench.

Whatever caught him that night doesn’t stop following him and he starts feelings worse and worse by each day. He becomes more withdrawn, if that was even possible, he gets snappier to a point that earns him several detentions. Even his already pale skin turns into an alarmingly pale tone, making him look sickly these days.

He also becomes more rigid around Shiro, even though he swore himself that he wasn’t going to act any different. He can’t help but feels insecure, wondering if Shiro would rather prefer spending the time they have to being with Adam instead. And whenever he feels insecure, he automatically becomes ruder than usual, but since he can’t bring himself to be mean to Shiro, he chooses to be as passive aggressive as he can instead.

Shiro notices. Of course he does.

“I don’t understand.” he says anxiously, the unhappy look on his face making Keith feel worse than he already does. “Have I upset you unknowingly? If so, you should know I’m sorry, Keith.”

Keith forces himself to hold his gaze. “It has nothing to with you.” _It has everything to do with you._

“Then what’s the problem?” Shiro asks quietly, still looking considerably sad. “I’m so worried about you. You look very pale these days, and you are not like your usual self. It’s killing me to see you like this, Keith.”

Keith’s heart misses a beat against these words, even though he definitely should stop torturing himself like this. He lets out a long sigh, turning his gaze to another way.

“I’m dealing with… _something._ ” he says in the end.

Shiro’s voice hardens suddenly. “Is someone bullying you? Because I swear, I will—“

“No Shiro, it’s not something like that,” Keith assures with a faint smile. “Trust me, no one is giving me hard time. Well, not harder than usual, to be honest.” he chuckles without meaning to, and a little smile appears on Shiro’s face. “It’s not something I can talk about to you. I’m sorry.”

_I’m sorry I’m making you worry even though you did nothing wrong._

Shiro still looks upset.

“I’ll be okay.” Keith says softly, trying to convince both himself and Shiro. “I will be. I promise.”

Shiro looks at him for another long moment before he sighs and smiles for Keith’s sake. “Very well… Wanna do a difficult simulator test?”

Keith’s face lights up. “Sure.”

“I’m assuming you’ve already eaten dinner…?”

“Yeah.” Keith says quickly but apparently he’s not quick enough to hide the guilty look on his face.

Shiro pinches his nose bridge. “Keith, you _can’t_ keep skipping meals. It’s extremely unhealthy. Do you not like Garrison’s food?”

Keith shrugs lightly and doesn’t answer, because there’s no way he can tell Shiro his sudden lack of appetite has got to do with him and his boyfriend.

“You know, since Adam likes cooking, he generally prepares both of our meals.” Shiro says with a friendly smile and Keith’s whole body turns icy again. “If you want, I can request him to cook more so you—“

“Garrison’s food is fine.” Keith snaps combatively. “I’ll go get some dinner now. I’ll find you later.”

He leaves Shiro standing there with a surprised look on his face and heads to dining hall.

Since the hour is late, there’s barely a few people in there. Keith is tempted to turn around and leave, but he doesn’t want to worry Shiro even more, so he forces himself to get a bowl of soup and settles on an empty table.

He’s halfheartedly playing with his soup when he hears one of the girls from the back table saying “Shiro came to our class today.” to her friend. Keith tries not to listen but he’s always been drawn to Shiro like the flies are drawn to light.

“Oh?” the other girl says. “That’s strange. It’s usually his boyfriend who goes to classes.”

A lump settles on Keith’s throat when he hears a stranger refer to Adam as Shiro’s boyfriend. Even though there’s nothing wrong with it. Even though it’s the fucking truth.

Her friend giggles.

“Shiro and Adam, Adam and Shiro…” the first girl singsongs and Keith is tempted to plug his ears so he doesn’t have to listen her anymore. “I can't even think of them separately anymore. How long have they been dating anyway?”

“For a long time, that’s for sure.” the other girl replies. “I wouldn’t be surprised if they get married one day.”

Keith listens without making a sound. He swallows the lump in his throat alongside his soup.

 _Shiro is his own person_ , a part of him wants to scream at the girls. _You know Shiro belongs to him,_ another part of him whispers.

He finds Shiro after dinner like he said he would, but the usual joy he feels whenever he and Shiro work on simulator is gone. Even the joyful laugh Shiro gives after Keith successfully completes a hard level doesn’t melt the ice inside him. He turns to Shiro with a neutral face.

“Are you going to marry Adam?” he asks bluntly.

“ _Keith!_ ” Shiro splutters, face immediately turning blood red. “What brought you to—how did you—are the students gossiping or something?!”

Keith just continues looking at him.

“Jesus…” Shiro mumbles. He scrubs his neck with a little sheepish smile. “I mean, maybe one day? Like obviously we are too young right now but…it’s not impossible I guess?”

Keith wonders how many times his heart can torn into pieces before he eventually dies of heartbreak.

“Hmm.” he replies quietly, turning back to simulator. “I see.”

* * *

_Dear Shiro,_

_Can you truly belong to someone if they don’t even know it? I feel like I can, I feel like I do. Every gesture, every word, every smile of yours have been scraped into my mind forever._

_You’re holding my entire being in your hands and I’m pretty sure you don’t even want it._

_I don’t know what to do anymore._

* * *

It takes a while before his heart stops squeezing painfully whenever he even thinks about Shiro and Adam, but eventually, it stops.

Not that the pain completely goes away, no. His stomach still burns with a flare of jealousy whenever he sees a glimpse of Adam in the corridors, his fingers still shake secretly whenever Shiro mentions Adam, his eyes still burn with unshed tears at nights. But he refuses to waste the time he has with Shiro by feeling hopeless anymore.

Happiness, turns out, comes in the form of racing with Shiro and get drunk from his laugh.

There’s something really pleasing about driving off with him in this familiar area, something that feels like breathing fresh air into his lungs. Warm breeze caresses his hair as he tries to catch up with Shiro.

Even if he doesn’t have Shiro the way he wants, he has this moment. He has this.

Keith lets out a carefree chuckle by the time he reaches next to him.

“All right, you won this round.” he says teasingly. “But I’ll get you in the next race, old timer.”

 _I want to be as good as you are,_ he wants to say. But he knows Shiro’s aware what he actually means.

Shiro laughs too. “I don’t doubt it.”

“How’d you do that dive anyway?” Keith asks curiously, because that thing was _enchanting._

“You liked that one, huh?” Shiro replies and his voice carries a little smugness that Keith finds adorable. “It’s all about timing. Pull up too soon, you won’t have the momentum needed to create lift. Too late, there won’t be enough lift to avoid the crash.

 _Is this what happened to me about you,_ he quietly wonders. _Was I too late and couldn’t avoid crashing to you?_

But as they stand side by side, watching where Keith grew up in the sunset and talking about his dad—both a wound that’ll never completely heal and the greatest thing he’s ever had, Keith thinks he wouldn’t want it any other way.

“Sounds like someone I know.” Shiro says gently when Keith tells him about his dad’s bravery, and a sweet warmth spreads itself to Keith’s body.

Until Shiro’s bracelet starts faintly beeping.

“Oh.” He slightly turns away from Keith, fiddling with it.

“What are those?” Keith asks hesitantly. He’s certainly never seen him wear them before.

Shiro’s face turns closed, fumbling with the words a little. “Oh… These are just some electro-stimulators to keep my muscles loose.”

Keith’s heart starts to pick up with anxiety. “What’s wrong with your muscles?”

“Ah, nothing.” Shiro says absently, climbing to his vehicle again. “This is just what happens when you get to be an ‘old-timer’. Come on. We should get back to the base.”

Keith continues looking at him with concern because he knows it’s not _nothing._ But he also knows when Shiro stops talking about something, there’s no way to make him talk again. So he settles with quietly climbing back to his own vehicle, heart still twisting with anxiety.

* * *

_Dear Shiro,_

_Do you know there are hundreds of angels on your face? Every single of them must be working for your smile._

_I hope whatever you’re not telling me is really unimportant like you’re insisting. I hope you’re okay._

* * *

“I don’t care what the doctor says. This man is sick and he shouldn’t be sent on another mission, especially as far away as Kerberos!”

All the air in Keith’s lungs leaves him at once, making him brace himself against the wall with one hand.

 _This man_ _is sick._

He’s aware Commander Holt is still talking, defending Shiro’s right to go on the mission, but all Keith can hear is Admiral Sanda’s voice at his ringing ears.

_This man is sick._

He quietly steps back from where he’s been listening them before they can notice him, turning away to run back to his classes. He barely suppresses the nausea he feels all day, every single minute seeming like long painful hours before he has the chance to talk to Shiro.

Keith finally manages to catch him alone when he’s working on a vehicle.

“When were you gonna tell me?” he asks as he walks closer to him, words leaving an unpleasantly bitter taste in his mouth.

Shiro calmly greets him. “Oh. Hey, Keith.”

“So, what is it?” Keith insists aggressively. “Are you sick or something?”

Shiro visibly looks shaken as he goes down the little ladder. “I’m not sure I follow—“

“I was outside your office.” Keith explodes. “I overheard you and Commander Holt talking with Admiral Sanda.” His voice turns even more desperate. “Tell me what’s wrong. I’m not a little kid! I can handle it.”

He’s not sure if he can handle it, not really. His heart is beating in an uncomfortable rhythm while he waits for an answer, but just for once, he needs Shiro to see him as a capable adult instead of some hot-headed kid he took under his wings.

Shiro hesitantly looks at him for a moment before he lets out a long sigh.

“I…have a disease.” he slowly starts and even this simple sentence is enough for Keith’s hands to start shaking. “And it’s getting worse. I’ll only be able to maintain my peak condition for a couple more years. After that…”

Shiro pauses to lean on his elbows and Keith’s eyes hopelessly follow him.

“The Garrison doesn’t want me up there. Neither does Adam.” he says, a strange sadness filling his voice in the last sentence.

“So, what are you gonna do?” Keith asks desperately.

Shiro’s expression turns into a hard determination. “I’m going on the mission.”

Keith’s eyes fill with tears. “Shiro—“

“ _Keith_.” Shiro interrupts roughly, pinching his nose bridge. “I’ve had a very difficult day. A very, very difficult one. Please let me collect my thoughts. Let’s meet at the roof tonight and talk then, OK?”

Keith blinks his tears back and exhales a shaky breath. “OK.” he whispers in the end.

Shiro’s face wrinkles with sadness as he looks at Keith’s expression, but he turns away and leaves without saying anything.

Keith goes back to his room and lays down on his bed, wrapping his arms around himself while he waits for nighttime to come. Kinkade, now familiar with his positively annoying melancholia these days, doesn’t make a comment, but he gives Keith a nod before he steps out to meet Shiro.

Shiro’s already waiting for him there when Keith reaches the roof. There’s a thoughtful look on his beautiful face, but he offers Keith a little smile when he notices him. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Keith shakily repeats, and then, because he’s the dumbest person on Earth, he says: “Are you gonna die?” and starts crying.

Shiro makes a pained noise, and before Keith knows what’s happening, he gathers Keith into his arms. Keith can’t even enjoy the fact this is the first time Shiro gives him a hug, instead he clings to him like a frightened child and bawls his eyes out.

“Keith,” Shiro whispers soothingly, and that’s kind of fucked up, because _Keith_ should be the one who comforts him, not the other way. “Keith, please don’t cry. Everything’s gonna be fine.”

“ _Don’t lie to me_!” Keith hiccups, his whole body shaking between Shiro’s arms. “Just tell me the truth, I can handle it! I can—“

His words stop as a strong sob gets caught at his throat. Shiro just hugs him tighter and holds him until Keith feels like he’s not going to scatter any minute.

Once Keith calms down enough, they sit on the floor and turn their gaze to the starry night for a moment. Shiro takes a deep breath before he starts talking.

“It’s not a terminal illness.” he quietly says, smiling a little when he sees Keith’s suspicious glare. “It’s really not. But _it is_ going to seriously damage my ability to control my muscles one day. Don’t know when.”

Keith's lower lip wobbles again, but he waits for Shiro to continue.

“And if I go to space, where everything is so much different, it—“ Shiro lets out a shaky breath. “I—“

“You may die.” Keith finishes, tears dripping again. “Shiro…”

Shiro doesn’t say anything this time, doesn’t try comfort Keith again. They sit side by side, only soft crying noises heard between them.

“You’re going, aren’t you?” Keith asks quietly.

Shiro nods a little, his eyes nervously examining Keith’s face. “Are you mad at me?”

Keith sniffs a little. “I _am_ happy for you, I’m proud of you. But I don’t want anything to happen to you.” His voice cracks at the last sentence.

Shiro gives him a slight smile. “I know Keith, trust me _I know._ But I can’t let this… _thing_ keep me from achieving my dreams.”

Keith doesn’t have an answer for this.

“This is my right. It’s the right of every human being.” Shiro says, voice suddenly turning melancholic. “I choose not the suffocating anesthetic of the suburbs, but the violent jolt of capital, that is my choice.” He smiles again when he sees Keith’s confusion. “It’s a line from one of my favorite movies.”

“Oh.” Keith says. “Sounds like a good movie.”

“It was.” Shiro clears his throat, drawing circles on the floor with his thumb. “So yeah... That’s my choice.”

Keith is silent for a while as he gathers his thoughts. “Then I have no choice but to support you. Like you said, this is your life.”

Shiro’s smile is heartbreakingly soft. “Thank you, Keith.”

They are silent for a long time after that. Keith’s tears gets dry, sobs leaves his body until all he feels is a pleasant numbness. Next to him, Shiro moves a little.

“Adam and I broke up.” he says, out of the blue.

Keith stares. There’s not a trace of joy inside him he thought he’d feel if he ever heard something like that. Nothing. The concern he feels over Shiro suppresses everything else.

“You’ll get back together.”

“Oh, I really don’t think so.” Shiro says bitterly. “His decision seemed so final. He said I shouldn’t expect him to be here when I get back.”

Keith _literally_ sees red, beginning to shout before he even realizes it. “I will _fucking_ show him that—“

“Keith please.” Shiro quickly interrupts. “It’s not fair of him to ask me to choose between him and my dreams, but it’s not fair of _me_ to ask him to wait for me either. We’re both at fault.”

Keith doesn’t know what to say. “I thought you loved each other.” he finally says.

“Well…” Shiro suddenly looks so, so tired. “Sometimes love is not enough. Sometimes love runs out.”

And maybe Keith is just a dumb seventeen year old, the dumbest seventeen year old that ever existed, but he looks at Shiro’s crestfallen face and thinks: _It would be enough for me. Forever._

Instead, he stays quiet and forces his gaze to the sky again.

* * *

_Dear Shiro,_

_I always knew you were destined for something larger than the world itself. Seeing you reach your dreams couldn’t make me prouder even if I tried._

_But please come back to me after this._

_Please, please come back to me._

* * *

The remaining days until Shiro’s departure pass in a gloomy serenity.

Keith’s whole heart continues twisting with fear whenever he thinks about all the things that can go wrong, but Shiro’s bright bliss manages to outshine everything else. It’s the happiest Keith’s seen him for a long time, shining with a happiness that makes any negativity fade away.

So when Keith feels like he’s going to suffocate from anxiousness, he just tilts his head and watches Shiro’s smiling face as he talks about Kerberos, till he feels like he can breathe again.

The morning Kerberos Mission is set to start, Keith gets up early after a sleepless night and quickly puts on his uniform. He comes face to face with Shiro when he opens his door, who looks like he was just getting ready to knock the door.

“Oh.” Shiro blushes a little with discomfort for some reason. “I was just gonna ask you if you’d like to see the ship we’re going with. No pressure! I don’t wanna bother you.”

Keith laughs quietly despite himself. “Don’t be silly, Shiro. I’m not gonna leave you alone.”

Shiro’s grateful expression breaks Keith’s heart a little.

Together they walk outside slowly, like this is just one of their ordinary days where they take a walk together and not some revolutionary day where everything’s going to chance. Keith’s aware the Holts are making their farewells in the background and Shiro’s carefully explaining something to him, but all he can focus is Shiro’s hand on his shoulder.

“Well,” Shiro sighs when he stops explaining, smoothly pulling his hand back. Keith immediately feels cold. “I guess this is it.”

He gives Keith a timid little smile. Keith knows he should say something, but the words feel like they got stuck in his throat.

“Thank you for everything, Keith.” Shiro continues softly. “Don’t know what I’d do without your support. It’s been hard since Adam and I…” He clears his throat, a frown appearing on his face. “So yeah. Thank you for being such a good friend.”

“I’m gonna miss you so much.” Keith quietly says before he can stop himself.

The fond look in Shiro’s eyes is slowly killing him. “I’m gonna miss you too.” His face suddenly turns serious. “Listen, if I don’t come back al—“

“Don’t.” Keith snaps tensely, squeezing his eyes tight shut for a moment before he opens them and looks at Shiro with frantic eyes. “You’re going to come back, _alive_ and _well_. You are. I will go into fucking space and personally bring you back if I have to.”

Shiro barks a laugh. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Keith says intensely. “I refuse to give up on you.”

The smile slowly vanishes from Shiro’s face and gets replaced by some emotion Keith can’t name. “Promise me something.” he says gently. “Don’t give up on yourself either.”

Keith lets out a shaky breath.

“Please be kind to yourself. Please know that even though I’m not here, I’m always proud of you.” Shiro says with a kind smile. “And remember…”

“Patience yields focus.” Keith murmurs.

“That’s right.” Shiro laughs happily and Keith longingly looks at his dark gray eyes, his raven hair and God-like features for one last time before Shiro opens his arms and gently says, “Come here.”

Keith lunges at him like a man drawn to a siren song and wraps his arms around Shiro’s neck. His comforting scent instantly makes Keith’s eyes fill with tears. He wants to hold him forever and not let him go, but he _can’t_ , and it’s killing him.

“I know you don’t want to hear it but…” Shiro quietly starts and it’s not fair, _it’s not_ , because Keith has nowhere to run when he’s between Shiro’s safe arms. “I have to tell you this in case I can’t come back: Knowing you was one of the greatest gifts life has ever given me, Keith. There won’t be a day where I’m not grateful for this.”

Keith starts sobbing then, all the tears he carefully suppressed coming undone. Shiro allows him to hug him at the point of strangulation, making gentle soothing noises as Keith stays in his embrace for another long moment. But they don’t have all the time in the world, not this time, and eventually Keith is forced to retreat.

Right before Keith completely steps out of Shiro’s embrace, Shiro slightly leans forward and plants the faintest kiss to Keith’s forehead. He gives him one last familiar smile before he whispers, “Goodbye, Keith.” and then he’s turning away to walk away.

Keith continues standing there and just watches. He watches until his teary eyes become dry, his knees start to ache and he begins feeling cold.

He watches until Shiro completely disappears, much like a star in the morning sky.

* * *

_Dear Shiro,_

_Every single star in the universe is watching you leave as you carry my heart beside you. I love you. I'll wait for you._


End file.
